I haven't been this sober since birth.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
