Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I wish I only lived at night.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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