that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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