so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
