3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
