My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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