dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
