Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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