I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
