I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
