I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
