Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
