don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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