i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
