I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
