I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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