I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
