Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
