He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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