I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
