dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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