Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
