i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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