good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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