So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
