glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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