I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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