he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
