ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
