a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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