well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
