she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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