you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
