So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
