why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
