Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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