i was born a porn star she said
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
