We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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