You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
