Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
