On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
