i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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