life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
