I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
