you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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