I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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