I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Someone came in the potted fern
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
