I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
