i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Success! We fucked roommates!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
