Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
