her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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