Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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