The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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